the boy I have liked for so long finally asked me out. happy post!
aaaaaand we had our date.
I didn’t like it. Okay, it was alright, I suppose. but it wasn’t magical. He wasn’t charming and sexy, he was average and dorky. But i liked that a week ago. What changed? This is my routine. I always like someone until they like me back and then quickly lose interest. It’s happened with countless guys. I like the chase. My mom tells me that it will stop when I find the one i’m supposed to be with. Is she right? Will I? I’m getting really frustrated at myself for only focusing on the flaws and the negatives. And now, nothing will happen because I’m also terrified of the idea of being stuck with one person and committing to them. So our friendship will fizzle out and awkwardness will undoubtedly ensue. Thus is tradition. I’m sick of myself. Why can’t I just like someone even when they like me back? I only focus on flaws. I want to be happy with someone. I want to want someone. Maybe my mom is right, maybe he just isn’t the one. But this literally always happens. I am trying to remember how I felt with the one boy I ever really dated. I know we were really close physically but I am not sure we were ever connected emotionally. Do I only crave physical affection without the emotional connection? Gah, I’m a guy.
Last night, my roommate/best friend and I declared that we should just become lesbians because we get each other and love each other and love cuddling and sleeping together.
all I do is mess every little thing up.
I am so tired of being me.
It’s always one step forward, two steps back. I constantly ruin every good thing that comes into my life. And it isn’t that i don’t know i’m doing it. I do. I know when things are good and still, I destroy it. I did this last night – twice. I broke my mom’s heart. She called me sobbing. I spent the night crying because of how awful of a daughter I am. Even after apologizing and having her reassure me that she’s alright, I messed something wonderful up. I am so done with my constant stupidity. I watched a movie which she described as being porn and she was heartbroken that’d I’d watched it. At first I was angry with her accusations, claiming I was curious, it was a documentary, and it the only effect the movie had on me was to create a sense of compassion. She was devastated though and after hours of crying with her, I hated myself. She told me that hatred of self was from the devil, not the Lord. I’ve repented. I went to the Lord and begged forgiveness but that awful guilt remains. I don’t even care as much about what I saw. I live in a fallen world where I’ve seen things my parents wouldn’t believe. I feel the worst about hurting my mother, my friend, someone who loves me so much more than anything.
Then, minutes after talking to her, my friend wanted to talk. He is almost an ex of mine, though we never really dated. Being friends has proved more difficult than we had imagined. His feelings remain but I have none for him. I finally told him that last night. Our issues are being raised because of the fact that he always tells me everything but I tell him nothing. I don’t talk about problems. I let them simmer, I journal, I blog. I don’t talk. He can’t seem to understand that. The fact that he gets angry when I shut down also makes me angry because he has no right to expect me to share everything with him. I cried on the phone with him. I haven’t cried on the phone with a boy since I was seventeen and breaking up with my boyfriend. I told him that I’ll try to be more open but he needs to respect the fact that I don’t always want to talk about what’s wrong. I always do this. Whenever someone starts getting too close, I push them away. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism but it’s such a lonely existence.
I apologized to him so many times and we left the conversation with very little resolved. We’re going to try to make it better, our friendship, but it’s different than normal relationships and I don’t know if we’re ever going to get over that. We agreed that it was good that summer was coming. We all need a break. I told him that I feel like we’re breaking up as friends. And now we are at the same school, seeing each other way too often, with nothing to say to one another. Strangers. Estranged.
I feel so broken.
I am so alone.
With no one to blame but myself.
“lovely as a dream, hideous as a devil”
We all know how stressful it is filling out college applications and choosing which school is right for you. It’s an anxiety-ridden time for high school juniors and seniors. Well, take that anxiety and multiply by about seventy and you’ll hit where I’m at. I’m at the place where I have decided on the school, gotten in, started classes, and now am daily faced with the mind-numbing questions regarding my future. What am I going to do when I graduate? What kind of job do I want? And I’ve recently discovered that if you, by some miracle do come to some sort of an idea in regard to what you want to do, you may have to switch schools. Of course, this problem isn’t as common as most people attend normal colleges. I, however, decided to attend a specific type of school which only offers certain courses for certain degrees. And now that I’ve fallen in love with the school and the people, I am realizing that I may have to switch schools. This breaks my heart. So I am at a place of great stress and anxiety and fear and just plain freak-out. Welcome to college.
my apologies for former rants. i get frustrated a bit too much.
today is a good day.
I may have found my future tattoo. I was reading in 1 Peter and the words ‘glorious joy’ stuck out to me. Then out of nowhere, the words ‘beautiful love’ came to me. I know there isn’t really a correlation between them but I think it’s beautiful and it is what the father has for me. In French, it says ‘bel amour.’ How beautiful is that? I sharpied it on my wrist and am kind of in love with it.
Oh, right now I just feel good. I don’t feel really ‘happy’ or excited for any particular reason. I just feel a sort of contentment, like God is calming my soul and letting me relax even though it would be so easy to be overwhelmed by life at any given moment. He has given me so much people on the fact that I have no one in my life, in a romantic way, right now. He’s given me a new appreciation for how wonderful my family, in particular my mom, are. And I don’t know, I just am blessed. When I open the Bible, it’s like I don’t even have to look, the words just jump out at me and touch my heart. It’s all so beautiful
i’m so tired of people telling me that my time is coming.
my sister has recently fallen in love. they’re soon to be engaged and still in the sickening honeymoon stage of the relationship. i love her and he’s a great guy. they’re very welcoming and kind when i’m around. but i’m always the third wheel. they don’t see it that way, i’m sure. and that’s a good thing, no need for all of us to feel weird.
but lately, ever since they got together, actually, i have lost count of the number of times people have given me that look of pity, eyes wide and a calming smile on their faces and said, ‘you’re time is coming’. i’m nineteen. i’m in no hurry. but when people tell me this, it freaks me out. it puts the idea in my head that i need to be on the lookout for my someone, my mister, my man. i’m not, though. i am waiting around, but not in a state of extreme panic. i’m not that girl who is constantly obsessing over this. but the more often i hear people tell me that my time is coming and that there’s no rush, the more often i consider the fact that i’m slowly going no where in the world of romance.
okay, rant over.
1. someday, we will all agree on something. anything. there will be a unanimous consensus on an idea.
2. there is such a thing as true love, a love that is honest and genuine and selfless & someday i’ll find that.
3. i’ll publish a book someday. i’ve always been a writer. i’m not particularly talented, gifted, or blessed with superb writing skills. but i love to write. i’ve written a book, countless short stories, poems, journals, and multiple blogs. writing is what i love to do. and i think that if you really love something, you should pursue a goal which involves that passion. so, even if i’m not all that talented and my ideas are unoriginal and no one but me has any interest in what i have to say, i think it would be absolutely incredible to have one of my stories put out into the world. i just wonder what the response would be from others. small, i’m sure. but at least i put it out there.
4. one day, there will not be such a negative connotation with the word ‘Christian’. i’m saying this from a Christian perspective; that may be enough to turn anyone off. i’m biased. i’m already at the place that i’m hoping the world will arrive at. but i am humbled before others – i don’t view them as lesser than me, people who need to be like me, since i am all holy. but aren’t Christians supposed to hate everyone who doesn’t share their belief? aren’t they full of themselves, never listening to the beliefs of others? no. whoever made that the norm should be ashamed. we are supposed to be a people of love, we have received such a beautiful grace. we are nothing but beggars, trying to share the way to the One with food, with fellow beggars. i just wish all of the supposed ‘Christians’ would reexamine the text which they claim to believe, that a humility would overcome us all, that we would learn to love others the way Christ loves them.
i don’t support many of the views and beliefs of others. but i don’t judge them for that. sure, we all judge a little. but i don’t look at those with different lifestyles and condemn them, that isn’t my place. i hope for a world filled with people who can see Christ the way i see Him and i dream of a population of Christians who know their place before that Christ and before others.
i’m not perfect. i’m not the one who should be applauded or looked up to in regard to ‘how to live’ as a true Christian. but i am so ready for a rise of Jesus-focused Christianity. maybe someday.
