Currently sitting beside a giant bounce house filled with squealing children. I’m sick and waiting for the antibiotics to kick in. Attempting to read Machiavelli but he is far too intelligent for my simple mind. I miss my mom a lot lately. Whenever I get sick, I revert to a childlike state. Having to go to urgent care alone last night was miserable. I kept calling her and crying. Now I’m getting paid to sit here which is about all I can handle because I feel very fluey. They make pills that dissolve in water now. I discovered that unintentionally last night. They taste like wet bread. I want to be home. I may drive back after class tomorrow because I don’t have to work and its getting boring to lay in a depressing dorm room all day. I may have lost my phone. Oops. I had a dream about kissing my boyfriend last night. I miss him. We haven’t seen much of each other lately do to how awful I’ve felt. We have a coffee date tonight. It’ll be nice to get out of town for a few hours. I want a baby. These kids are cute and they smile at you and don’t judge you and are curious and innocent. That’s all for now. I guess I’ll read some more, maybe paint my nails. I feel gross today.
Update: the medicine is working. Glory glory hallelujah. I just ate a piece of wheat bread and gagged down the mushy pill. It hurts to eat and the pill makes me want to vomit but its all worth it. After I got through the flu-ishness of yesterday, I felt a million times better. After some pain killers, I was finally able to kiss my boyfriend and not be in tremendous pain, though he did keep it to the neck for the main part. It’s now seven am. I feel rough but hopeful. I’ll take the swishy medicine before I go to class and then I’ll continue attempting Machiavelli. Fun fact: the ex-ish from last year called last night while I was with Anthony. He is moving to my class and needed to know what to read. It’s only weird because we never talk and he has a really good buddy in the class so I question why he called me. Whatever. Now three guys that I feel judgment vibes from will be in their together. And, being a 7:30 am class, I essentially wear sweats and yoga pants on the regs. Everyone here judges that but I honestly hardly care. One more goodness before I fall back asleep, next week after I get out of my 7:30 I am going straight to hang out with the twins I nanny. More hours and I won’t waste the entire afternoons and I absolutely love these little girls. Okay. I have an hour and a half before class. Good day.
It’s Friday. I’m sitting in a three hour morning Western Civ. class. It’s cold outside. The snow refuses to melt. I curled my hair today for no apparent reason. The only hope I have at the moment is that I’m getting Chinese for lunch with my guy after class. I signed up for care.com last night. It’s kind of cool, I guess. There are a lot of job opportunities. I already have a woman interested. If I got the job, I would go from the three days a week I’m working now, to five days a week. I’m also looking at overnight jobs. It’s money for putting kids to bed and sleeping on the couch. We’ll see. I don’t really need the money but, having been raised in this society, I always feel the need for more money. I know that isn’t good. But I think it’s good to be busy and productive, to be a hard worker. We’ll see what happens.
I’ve been with the same boy for a few months and some days I think I’m falling in love with him. I’ve never been in love, not in the pure sense of the word. I’ve only had one boyfriend before now. It was nothing more than a physical connection. To be in a relationship with someone who talks to me and lets me cry – though I’m not willing to – in front of him, who holds me when I’m sad, and deals with me when I’m angry – it’s very new. I’m not very good at relationships. We are both new to this, each of us attempting to walk through the minefield of life together. He’s more than I deserve. He’s sweet and compassionate, tender but passionate. He respects me but doesn’t treat me like a doll. He challenges me.
We all know how stressful it is filling out college applications and choosing which school is right for you. It’s an anxiety-ridden time for high school juniors and seniors. Well, take that anxiety and multiply by about seventy and you’ll hit where I’m at. I’m at the place where I have decided on the school, gotten in, started classes, and now am daily faced with the mind-numbing questions regarding my future. What am I going to do when I graduate? What kind of job do I want? And I’ve recently discovered that if you, by some miracle do come to some sort of an idea in regard to what you want to do, you may have to switch schools. Of course, this problem isn’t as common as most people attend normal colleges. I, however, decided to attend a specific type of school which only offers certain courses for certain degrees. And now that I’ve fallen in love with the school and the people, I am realizing that I may have to switch schools. This breaks my heart. So I am at a place of great stress and anxiety and fear and just plain freak-out. Welcome to college.
i love these late night adventures that we go on.
i love heading out the door at midnight with nowhere to go.
i love it when you look at me and make a goofy face.
i love the dumb conversations we have.
i love how you pay attention to only me while we’re sitting at a table with our friends
i love it when you play with my hair.
i love it when you focus only on me and we randomly have a deep conversation.
i love it when you look into my eyes when we’re talking.
i love it when i hug you and you hold on for a little bit too long.
it’s kind of wonderful and confusing and perfect all at the same time.
I want to break out, to be a beautiful person, someone chasing a dream. I want to be known for my passion for life. I want to travel and escape. I want to just pack up a book-bag in the middle of the night, jump in my car, and drive, not caring where I end up. I want to have adventures to smile about when I’m old. I want to make music. I want to dance. I want to kiss someone. I want to go to the places I am constantly looking at the pictures of. I want to actually do the things on my bucket list. I want to open an art gallery. I want to meet new people. I want people to think I’m pretty. I want to pierce my nose. I want to die my hair a crazy color and not care what people say. I want to learn how to play the guitar. I want to be a street musician for a day. I want to watch and opera and cry at the end. I want to stay in bed all day with someone I love. I want to hide behind a big, fancy camera and capture the beautiful things we never notice. I want to do things for others, to stop being so self-absorbed. I want to write a book or a play. I want to act. I want to feel pretty without makeup. I want to get away. I want to have a goal. I’m so tired of wandering, of feeling like I don’t belong anywhere. Everyone says that someday I’ll look back and see how special each step of this journey was. But I’m tired of being so lost. I’m ready for it to be someday.
as cliché as it undoubtedly sounds, i wish i were anywhere but here.
i don’t mean to say i hate where i am in life and in a physical sense. in fact, i completely adore it. but when you’re being interviewed for a job, you get tired of constantly going over the details and you just want to begin. when you’re having a baby, you get scared by all of the child-raising classes and you just want to begin the process. i’m at a missions oriented school where i am constantly told about the incredible opportunities available and how we’re to go and tell the world about the love of Jesus and i just want to go. i want to be out there. i was to be surrounded by beautiful children who have never known the love of a parent. i want to tell them that there is hope and it is beautiful and perfect and wonderful. i want to get out of this little town where everyone agrees on the same thing. i want to be somewhere where my views are the minority, where i can struggle and see what i’m made of. i want to be in a place that challenges me and makes me think and forces me to explain what i believe and why. i wish i were anywhere but here.